Indeed “The night is darkest before the break of dawn.” In my eight month post transplant period the scourge inflicted upon my body and mind become stronger. With each strike a groan for pain is inevitable, with each strike cuts are getting deeper I can no longer contain it I have to air complain. I have no escape! I cannot run away, a barrier is installed right in front of me. Not a mountain that I could go around about but a wall so long and so high I could not climb. Whatever courage left in me is slowly fading away; whatever strength left in me is no longer enough for me to take even a single step forward. Why finality takes so long to come?
It is of preference, I am ready. I have been since my second admission this month. I no longer consider it selfishness or unfair for my husband and children to wish for final rest for even them is forced to take part in the suffering. They have done their part; they have taken more than their portion of bitterness. I cannot let them be hurt much longer, no matter what they say a single hard blow is a lot better than moderate constant scourge. Though not cornered I rest, not to reflect just to rest and stop fighting. I wanted to “switch off” my thinking but even that eludes my will.
Even in my despair GOOD things of the past flashback for a split second. Have I not experienced wellness two months ago? Have I not been back on my feet enjoying household chores and my family? In all abnormalities of my other organ system isn’t my cancer cured? In the abnormality of my liver isn’t my bone marrow working well already? Why don’t I succumb to profuse bleeding with my abnormal clotting factors? Is this not my third sepsis? Why am I still alive? Don’t I have a man whose love and devotion to me and our marriage been tested by what seems to be an element hotter than fire? Don’t I have three beautiful children whose emotional quotient is more than genius? As they (our kids) do perfectly well in every aspect despite the constant sorrow in their hearts. What am I missing? Oh I know, I am missing the flicker of light in what I perceive as total darkness. I struggled to have a comfortable life and I did not get it. Now I wish for worst but neither that was given.
My life is truly not in my hands! “Only God can do all things; and no plan of His can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). His plans are so hard to accept because at the moment they seem so horrible and unfathomable. But “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge” (Job 42:3). Indeed who am I to interfere with His plans for me? Didn’t Job in his blind faith emerge victorious in the end? He did not only become more blessed with earthly things. More than a blessing for his life is in history used by many who lose hope because of affliction. His misfortune is now used as an example to give hope, to never give up and to wait upon the Lord in every impossible situation.
With assurance thru His words I know that I am in a plan designed for His greater glory, thus, it is good for me. I will hold on tightly to this lovely passage “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future” (Jeremiah 29:11). So right now I decided to stand up and start walking again. I don’t have any choice nor do I? My life will not be taken unless it is time, even if I stop I will be in the same situation so I might as well keep on going. Who knows I may just be few steps away from His goal for me. As to the seemingly tall and long wall in front of me, is not Mt Everest the known tallest mountain on earth has lost its prestige to a lame? Is there anything permanent in this lifetime? I can think of nothing! Both good and bad fade away.
This moment of my lifetime shall also pass, as to when only He can tell. Bravely now I will keep on walking, where to? I don’t have an answer, but hopefully towards that small ray of light. Until when will I go on? WITH BLIND FAITH I WILL WALK UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN . . .
by Maria Ella Regondola Cabanlet
Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 12:56pm