When I decided to keep on threading the path bestowed upon me, I have prepared myself for a long wait. I have made”patience” as my everyday mantra as I expect more pain and unexpected abnormal laboratory results for several months, and even years, more. When I finally learned about how to keep my heart and my soul still and quietly wait for everything that I hoped for, nothing took long to materialize. As my implanted bone marrow nears its first birthday, the strength of my physical body also parallels its improvement.
In my heart I truly believe that it is God’s mighty power through the healing hands of Christ Jesus that slowly normalized my condition. In HIM I am confident that my leukemia is just the vessel of the gift that HE wants to impart on me as well as everyone. The gift of knowing and accepting what I am only good at and the humility of not forcing myself to be what I wanted to be for self service. The gift of knowing from the heart that nothing is happier, and most comforting than living life doing HIS will for me even if it meant forgetting what I wanted so much but (which was) not of His will.
Ah how difficult it is to reflect on life when all is well! Took me days, no months rather, to come up with something despite the clearness of my head. I can think better and faster when nothing was comfortable, when I was drunk with my medication and drowning in pain. Ideas and thoughts full of what I consider as wisdom float around my cerebrum, so nauseous I have to get rid of them through writing. Out of the two hundred possible talents, gifts from God, that a person can possess, I thought I have writing as one of them.
But just like my uttered words, writing is the reflection of what my heart contains. When someone asked me why was I not writing anymore I answered “I don’t know. Perhaps I have nothing more to tell.” It struck me then that writing is not my talent! I realized I could only write because I was very emotional, and when the deep strong, sad emotion was over I am back to just being a reader of others who really was gifted in writing. For the nth time I am retreating, but this time not as an eagle in pain but as an eagle looking for a place in this world. If writing is not my way of doing God’s will, what is my use for HIM.
Reminiscing on the recent past, I figured I was taught patience because it was a necessity. It was needed to survive this lifetime that is full of discontentment. In the process of learning patience I was required to learn self control. I was required to be still and very quiet despite the urge to do things my mind thought I could do.
Self control meant submitting to the situation and refusing to find an answer as to the “why”. This is tantamount to getting stripped of pride and be dressed with humility. Oh humility, the key to unfathomable peace and unwavering satisfaction. Humility is the patience sword and shield to this world’s dissatisfaction.
So where is this writing going? I don’t know either, I am just thinking out loud! All I am saying is that I don’t have to find my place in this world, I am already in place. I may not have the talent for writing, but my sickness has given me the chance to write. If not for my leukemia I will not learn the essence of being a mother and a wife. I may not be able to become the psychiatrist I was hoping to be but my God given knowledge in this field can be used anywhere and everywhere as long as I strive for excellence in everything I touch.
Like Midas, I will use my walk with leukemia as the gold turning hand useful for many but brings wrath to Midas. But unlike Midas, I will not fret on my inconvenience rather use it and rejoice in it. As one who once had leukemia, I will be the best leukemia patient ever! But I refuse to be called a leukemia survivor, for being a survivor meant I have been a victim, which I also refuse to accept.
As I have stated, leukemia was the vessel of all God’s gifts for me, so I prefer to be called favored!